


Little Miss Fix-It

by SaraJaye



Category: Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Deconstruction, Dubious Consent, Forced Matchmaking, Gary Stu, Gen, Hate Makeouts, Humor, Mary Sue, Multi, Parody, Purple Prose, Rebellion, Tactician Sues, mercilessly mocking hated fe fandumb tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 10:45:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4916524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tactician's life is so hard, dealing with these people and their refusal to bend to her every whim, isn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Miss Fix-It

Katrina sighed in annoyance as she sat on the sidelines, brushing a thick, lustrous red curl away from her face as she watched the current battle play out.

Sometimes she wondered why she'd agreed to be a tactician for this particular army; given its size and varied levels of experience among the soldiers she knew not everything would run smoothly all the time, and she knew that her advice could only go so far and that the soldiers would do as they pleased in the end.

A good tactician knew her place. Her job was to direct the unit and do her best to ensure that there were no casualties.

But right now, she couldn't help but feel a bit _angry_.

Lord Eliwood of Pherae was one she couldn't help but keep under close scrutiny. Mainly because as one of the army's leaders his survival was important, but mainly her focus was on his skill. His swordwork was often said to be quite good, and she'd heard plenty of praise directed towards him from other members of the army. Yet within the last ten minutes, he'd missed two enemies, failed to finish off three and even managed to be hit with a hand axe by a clumsy pirate standing several feet away from him.

 _Lord Eliwood,_ she thought with disdain. _More like Lord Useless. At least Lady Lyndis is faster on her feet, even if she lacks power behind her strike. Though she seems to try harder when Lord Hector is nearby...as for Lord Hector, he's much stronger than Lord Eliwood, but his aim is lacking...except, of course, when Lady Lyndis is close by. He seems to try harder for her as well._

Clearing her throat, Katrina approached the three lordlings, her sapphire-blue eyes smouldering with annoyance.

"Lord Hector," she said. "I've seen the way you and Lady Lyndis interact...the way you bicker, yet obviously care for one another. I'd like you two to stay together at all times from now on."

"Excuse me?" Lady Lyndis blinked.

"You and Lord Hector are absolutely _perfect_ together," Katrina said. "I insist you two remain partners for this battle, and for any future battles." Lady Lyndis seemed to tense up a bit at this.

"With all due respect, Miss Katrina, I already have a trustworthy partner," she said. "Wil has been by my side almost since the beginning of my travels, and I would prefer to continue working with him. And besides, Florina and Hector are already-"

"That shy, weak child?" Katrina snorted. "I fail to see how she could benefit Lord Hector in any way. You, on the other hand, are a strong woman and therefore an ideal partner for him."

She almost immediately regretted her words, however, when she turned around and found herself staring into the angry faces of Fiora and Farina; she turned back to Lady Lynds and Lord Hector, who were also glaring daggers at her. Katrina flinched, but did her best to remain composed nonetheless.

"I apologize if my honesty has offended you," she said stiffly. Just then, Lord Eliwood yelped in shock as his horse stumbled over a root; the enemy he'd engaged in combat fled, and Katrina growled in disgust.

"I've had quite enough of you, Lord Eliwood of Pherae," she snapped. "To the sidelines!" Lord Eliwood blinked, shaking his head in confusion.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You've been absolutely useless this battle, it's bad enough that you have that simpering waif Ninian clinging to your side at every step when she can't even aid you in _battle,_ but your fighting skills are subpar!" Katrina tsk'ed noisily, shaking her head. "Really, why can't you be strong and brave like Lord Hector, or at least faster than the enemies like Lady Lyndis?"

She half expected him to become enraged, or burst into tears. But instead, he fixed her with a cold, polite stare.

"I apologize for disappointing you, Miss Katrina," he snapped. "But that does not give you the excuse to insult Ninian. I hardly care if she can't take up a weapon and fight, her dance has done more to aid me than any combat skills ever could." _Typical,_ Katrina thought with disdain, _the naive little fool is more concerned with what I said about his precious dancer than about him!_

"How cute," she said sarcastically. "Honestly, Lord Eliwood, I don't understand how you've managed to get this far with such meager skills. I feel sorry for whoever had the misfortune of training you!"

"Ahem." Marcus cleared his throat. "Miss Katrina, I hardly think it's fair to judge Lord Eliwood's overall skill and performance based on this one battle. If you've noticed, most of us seem to be having trouble in this thick forest."

Katrina frowned. It _would_ be just like that stiff, useless old man to stick his nose where it didn't belong.

"I don't remember asking your opinion," she said. "In fact, I don't remember needing you at all this battle, or for any of our battles since Laus. Now be quiet and go back to playing cards with the other useless old windbags."

"Windbag?!" Wallace leapt to his feet with surprising agility for someone who looked like a walking teakettle. "Now you listen here, young lady-"

"Lord Wallace." Kent sighed. "It's not worth it. There's no reasoning with Miss Katrina when she's in another one of her moods."

"Perhaps it would be best to ignore her," Lady Priscilla said. Sain smiled brightly, he always smiled but somehow it was much brighter in the presence of that silly girl and it only sensed to heighten Katrina's anger.

"As always, the lovely Princess Priscilla is right!" he said. Katrina growled softly, pushing her way between the two.

"Lady Priscilla, if you don't stop teasing and flirting with all the boys I'm going to have to exile you to the bench as well!" she snapped. "Sain, you're to remain where I can drool over-I mean, _keep an eye on you_ for the rest of the battle."

"...right." He narrowed his eyes. "Come, Princess Priscilla, let us go where only our fellow soldiers can lay eyes upon us."

Katrina huffed and watched as the battle resumed, unable to help but notice how no one listened to a single one of her commands for the rest of the afternoon. _How ridiculous! I've taken my precious time to give them perfectly good advice and they do nothing but spit on it. They should be thanking me!_

*

It was an exhausted and deeply annoyed army that met by the river that night to discuss their tactician's questionable behavior.

"It's strange," Erk said, "I used to wish someone would give Serra the dressing down she needed, but when I heard the way Miss Katrina spoke to her..." He shook his head.

"Tell me about it," Matthew sighed. "And the way Serra reacted was pretty heartbreaking, I've never actually seen her get that upset."

"If I hear her say one more nasty thing about Priscilla..." Raven narrowed his eyes and clenched his fist. By now the fact that he and Priscilla were siblings was no secret among the army, so everyone understood his rage.

"Claiming she 'gets in the way' of us just to hurt _me_ was rather silly," Lucius said. "It was I who asked her to join us for tea this morning, was it not?"

"I'll never forgive her for what she said about Florina," Farina snapped. "Or that crack she made the other day about Fiora being a hypocrite just because she enjoys spending time with Kent. Only _I'm_ allowed to pick on my sisters!"

"If she says anything bad about Sir Lowen again or tries to force me together with Wil..." Rebecca growled. Lyn and Rath only nodded, each putting a protective hand on Wil's shoulder. Lowen blushed slightly.

"To be fair, Rebecca, I wasn't in top form during this battle," he said.

"That's still no excuse," Marcus said. "It was a tough battle, and we all did our best out there."

"And where does she get off saying I oughta be with Lyn just because we're always fighting?" Hector blurted out. "And if she weren't a woman, I could just _strangle_ her for the way she treated Eliwood!"

"That's right! She has no business exiling him to the bench just because he made a few mistakes!" Lyn added. Eliwood sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Everyone," he said, "I know Miss Katrina has driven us to the brink of insanity. But as it stands, she was the only tactician in the area who wasn't afraid to get involved in such a dangerous affair. If we could find anyone to replace her, I would do so in a heartbeat."

"I suggest looking for someone tomorrow, Lord Eliwood," Kent said, "lest we fall into complete chaos due to her questionable choices and pithy remarks. And I'm sure Sain agrees with me." He looked to his side...only to realize Sain wasn't there. "Odd, I could have sworn he was with me when we came here..."

"Hey, Florina's gone too," Lyn said. "Oh, dear, you don't suppose-"

"Everyone...!" Florina called as she ran breathlessly to Hector's side. "I can't find Sain _or_ Miss Katrina anywhere..."

Ninian and Nils suddenly went still as they sensed something.

"I think I know where they might be," Nils said. "Sain is in no immediate danger, but he's soon to be in a very uncomfortable position nonetheless."

*

For once in his life, Sain was not happy to be alone with a pretty young woman. Miss Katrina was indeed very pretty, with her flame-red hair falling in luxurious curls around her shoulders, her piercing blue eyes and her pale, creamy skin. She wore a silk dressing gown of deep emerald green, designed specifically to showcase her perfect hourglass figure and display some cleavage.

But he wasn't the least bit excited. In fact, he was actually a bit terrified right now.

"Your manly posturing does _not_ impress me," Katrina sniffed. "You're absolutely insufferable, thinking you're Saint Elimine's gift to women, and you are quite possibly the _last_ man I should ever consider opening my _legs_ to, much less my heart!"

"Um, Miss Katrina, _you're_ the one who brought _me_ here," Sain protested. That got him a smack in the face, which hurt like hell. "Oww! Hey, what-"

"And yet," the woman hissed, "you've wormed your way into my heart with those damnable good looks of yours! Every time I see you flirt with another woman it drives me batty enough, but seeing you spend more and more time with that little _leech_...!" She collapsed onto the bed, tossing her head in a dramatic fashion and pressing a hand to her heart. "Damn you, Sain! How _dare_ you force me to fall in love with you like this!"

"Miss Katrina, I _swear_ -"

She leapt off the bed, grabbed hm by the shoulders and pressed her body up against his, her ample breasts heaving against his chest.

"So that's how you want it," she cried. "You sought to forcibly uncover my hidden softness, and you've succeeded!" She grabbed his hand and slid it under her dressing gown, placing it on her breast. "You savage _beast..._ " She grabbed the back of his head and forced their lips together, pulling him atop her as she collapsed onto the bed, spreading her legs wide.

It was too much. First she had the nerve to insult Priscilla, and now she was forcing herself upon him and trying to make it seem like the other way around! And worse, his baser male instincts were insisting this felt _good..._ Sain shut his eyes tightly and tried to pretend it was Priscilla kissing him so ravenously, Priscilla's soft flesh beneath his fingers, Priscilla moaning and writhing against him.

"Oh, _Sain!_ " Katrina tore her lips away from his; he opened his eyes and shook his head, he _couldn't_ imagine Priscilla in this woman's place. Priscilla was kind, Katrina was obnoxious. Priscilla wasn't the sort to force herself on anyone and attempt to play mind games with him. Priscilla, Rebecca, Fiora, Florina, Lady Lyndis...even Serra at her most dramatic would never do something like that.

"I must be going back to Lady Lyndis," he said, wrenching himself from Katrina's grip and running off into the night. Katrina yelled something after him, but he ignored it and kept running.

*

The next day, the army set off with Katrina in tow as they had been for the last many months. Sain stuck as close as possible to Kent and Wallace, twitching uncomfortably every time Katrina spoke to him or looked his way. Various members of the army seemed more protective or clingy than usual towards their friends and loved ones; Eliwood's arm was wrapped tightly around Ninian's shoulders while Rebecca sat behind Lowen, her arms locked around his chest for security. Raven, Priscilla, Serra and Lucius formed a sort of cluster; Raven rode behind his sister while Lucius and Serra walked beside Priscilla's mare. Lyn held tightly to Wil's hand while Florina held onto Hector's arm. Fiora, Heath and Farina flew on ahead of the army, wary of archers as they kept an eye out for any approaching enemies.

Suddenly, an unfamiliar male voice broke through the tension.

"Excuse me?" Eliwood asked.

"I said, that Sacaen hottie looks like she could use a new man!"

They wished it had _stayed_ tense. The unfamiliar male had shaggy brown hair and wore all black, apparently thinking it made him look cool and mysterious. He carried a jewel-encrusted dagger that one could only assume he'd stolen, from the looks of him he obviously couldn't afford to _buy_ something so fancy, and by his first words to them alone no one imagined anyone liked him enough to give it for a _gift._

Lyn cleared her throat and stepped forward, approaching the stranger, hand on her sword's hilt.

"And what makes you say that?" she asked stiffly. The man smirked, running a hand through his messy hair.

"Name's Anelis," he said. "I'm a combat buff from around these parts and I've always thought Sacaens were kinda hot. You must be a princess of some sort, judging by that body of yours!"

It was about the dumbest thing anyone had ever heard anyone say, and Lyn didn't know whether to be angry or mildly amused.

"Who I am is none of your business," she said.

"Well, it sure is my business who you associate with, and that boyfriend of yours-"

"Wil is _not_ my boyfriend," Lyn snapped.

"Even better!" Anelis grinned. "Come with me, my hot Sacaen beauty! You deserve better than all the losers in this army who obviously want into your pants! We'll save the world together, then you can become my devoted wife and the mother of my children!"

"Excuse me!" Katrina snapped, shoving her way through the crowd and standing toe to toe with Anelis. "Lady Lyndis is going to marry Lord Hector!"

"No way! That blue-haired idiot? He's not manly enough for her, not like me," Anelis retorted. "What's some chick like you think she's doing managing an army anyway, you should be in the kitchen making me pie!"

" _WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!_ Katrina roared.

"You heard me, woman. Damn, if you weren't so sexy-"

"How _dare_ you call me sexy, you handsome creep! My heart belongs to Sain and Sain only!"

"Handsome?! Why I oughta..."

And suddenly, they were all over each other. The army took advantage of this opportunity to escape, sighing with relief when they realized they'd walked several miles without Katrina or Anelis following them.

That night, Eliwood appointed Marcus as the army's new tactician, and no one had a problem with it. Mostly because they knew they could trust Marcus to focus on actual tactics instead of insulting people.

Hector and Florina finally confessed their love for each other, as did Eliwood and Ninian.

Sain flirted and chased skirts for a bit longer before deciding Priscilla was his one and only, which suited her and the other girls just fine. Unfortunately, he also had to contend with Raven, who threatened him with a severe asskicking if he ever hurt his sister.

As for Lyn, she surprised everyone by actually hooking up with Wil. The two continued to be unmatchable partners on and off the battlefield.

Serra was surprised to find Erk, Matthew _and_ Oswin fighting over her, but flattered nonetheless. She has yet to choose between them.

As for Katrina and Anelis, they were never seen again. Word has it that they were either married or are living in sin. Either way, all's well that ends well.

At least for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a contest challenge 5 years ago. If I'd known what was coming with Awakening or the contest was taking place in 2013, I'd have written this fic for that game instead.


End file.
